Part 3: Yoopers!
The world is ever changing, and the great township of Horville (Horicon/Mayville) needs you assistance again to help keep all 646 quality tax paying citizens safe. On this evening we will set aside our political ideals in light of protecting the 150% from being eliminated by the little life sucking zombie muskrats that roam our countryside.
If you’re a single female and you are too scared to “fight for your right to party,” maybe you should know that for every 100 females there are 112.9 males (these are great odds) in Horville. I know this may not make sense, but the .9 accounts for the zombie muskrat attack last year during our survival gathering. Laura is just thankful that Chico is with us; it does not matter that he lost his manhood by protecting his grandchildren.
Fearing the lingerie football league refs seems minimal to what is in store for you this evening. Whether you are a Cardinals or Viking fan, from Montana, or even a transplanted Yooper, you are welcome to join our tribal unit, Eh. It is important on this evening that friends stick together and not let Adadda get between us. This Indian spirit has been seen roaming the mounds behind our house. Whatever weapons you have feel free to bring along as my ammunition will be very limited after a full day of shooting. All weaponry is welcome; whether they are zombie head decapitating Frisbee golf discs, irons that are used as drivers, or even ninja bicycles, whatever you have we will need.
If you are planning to leave the countryside to seek safer land, I must inform you that even though traditionally Halloween has been seen as a Western holiday this is not true anymore. This belief was formed before the days of open markets, and a certain presidential candidate created the World Wide Web. Since then the entire world is affected by the terror of the actions of Western Civilizations on this evening, it is no wonder why Joel and Christine took the opportunity to pack heat last year. (You should have seen those Isotoner gloves. Tight fit, yet room for growth, and functionality. Not sure what Joel meant, but he said they work better than tube socks for comfort. Can you believe that Joel has a license to conceal carry those gloves? What governing body in their right mind would allow that to happen? I say recall.
Like tax day, we now understand that Halloween is an annual occurrence; both are similar unto their own, but one can be more lethal than the other. (No Paula, tax day is not more lethal.) Like many businesses we need a greater power to help us survive this day. So Laura decided let her hair down, shave her legs, brush her teeth, and make every effort to meet new knights to help protect the Horville Shield. It did not take long for others to kneel to the power of the siren. This mythological creature has often been seen on the cliff over the harbor of Horicon, commonly know as Rock River Tap. With her angelic voice and bird like appearance she captured the souls of many marshmen that ventured into the marsh. Wonder why her nickname is Laura Bird? I would caution all those that attempt to enter the music room at school…wait there isn’t one. Whew #1.
And thank the greek gods. Whew #2. Because this siren allowed us to meet a zombie hunter that is just “naturally good like that.” Forklore says that this individual can even spot the Chinese space station speeding by at speeds of 17,500 mph with his own naked eye. WITH HIS NAKED EYE! Now who can say they do this? Not me, and not the baroness with the $20,000 optical lens. If he can spot this, then what else can he do on this evening?
Back to the siren, it is a good thing for all the male zombie fighters as I can guarantee that there will be no sirens around. One, we are still experiencing a major drought and there is no water around for them to survive on the marsh, two Christians do not believe in this pagan creature. Whew #3. Glad we are safe.
Last year an old lady showed up distraught about her missing dog. Not sure if she was a specter that use to live in our haunted house or just an old lady that escaped from the nursing home. Either way this creature displayed some nice guns and a huge caboose. It didn’t matter that she was a shape-shifting incubus, no one had the heart to tell her that her dog was squashed to her rear-end, for fear of his or her own life, or maybe just did not want to hurt the feelings of Betty White.
As always there will be entertainment as we wait for the clock to tick twelve. No going green this evening, it is all about black and orange. Horicon pride! Back by popular demand, the Love Muscles will be putting on a “show stopper.” Even “Spocker” (Mister Spock’s younger brother) will be making an appearance, along with Mark Miller the #1 “rocker.” The band manager confirmed that they will be ready to energize you as they have been practicing all summer in tight venues.
We cannot guarantee that your house will be safe as you help protect ours. Attacks can occur throughout the year. These evil creatures do not forget those who band together. Close friends have stated that ghostly creatures have attacked their house during the summer with ancient artifacts in the shape of neckties. However if your house comes under attack, please remember you will be with friends and we will have plenty of the standard issued CDC Zombie Apocalypse survival kits (and hopefully Millers bring a lighter just in case the matches don’t work).
CDC suggests that Patron is the number one antidote of a zombie bite, and we must adhere to what this federal agency suggests. We will also have beer and witches brew available for rehydration. If you require a special antidote, feel free to bring it along with a dish of protein to pass. Most likely there will be gathering of supplies allowed by our genetic offspring (trick o’ treating) this evening.
So in the great tradition of Samhain, let’s light the bonfire and adorn our protective suites.
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